How to Get Misunderstood (Without Losing Your Mind) - Summer Notes, Installment 3
If there’s one thing being an online creator and a digital business owner has offered me, it’s face time with my fear of being misunderstood. Over the years, my words have been twisted, my intentions doubted, and funhouse mirror versions of myself and my work reflected back at me on pretty much every internet platform ever invented.
These experiences find me with varying levels of severity and ill intent.
Sometimes it’s a thousand random strangers descending on a viral video to detail their first impressions of me. Sometimes it’s a longtime follower telling me I’ve let them down by not continuing to match the version of me they built in their head. Other times it’s a customer who disagrees with my refund policy. Wherever the source, it seems some new story about who I am and what I care about gets birthed every day. And then those explanations walk around inside those individuals’ heads, truer to them than the flesh and blood Frankie who’s typing these words, in her kitchen in North Texas.
As a result, I’ve had to build a well stocked toolkit for the experience of being (or feeling) misunderstood. Or disliked. Or projected upon. And I would like to share some of those tools with you today.
For me, the process goes:
Take it personally
I know. We’ve all received the exact opposite advice. They just don’t get you so their opinion shouldn’t matter, just let their words roll off your back, who cares. These are true words and often helpful reminders, but in my opinion, they’re reminders for a later step. Before I get there, it has to be allowed to be a big deal if it feels like a big deal. I put a lot of myself into everything I create, so why would it not be personal? Why would I treat this as some detached thing I can stand apart from, when it feels like anything but?
So first, I’m going to call it unfair. I’m going to cry and rant and rave about every terrible feeling and thought this particular misunderstanding brings up for me. I’m just going to make sure I do that in the container of a journal, or a conversation with a trusted friend. This first wave of feeling has nothing to do with and no business being disclosed to the person doing the misunderstanding, let alone the general public.
(In fact, the tendency of people to move through this step in the public eye has birthed a whole new category of influencer cancellation, which I call “should’ve-been-a-group-text drama”. So often, an influencer’s notes app apology comes after they got online to share thoughts that only belonged in a “can I be mean for a second” voice note to their best friends. Your best friends will be happy to tell you that yes, it IS frustrating when people don’t get how hard you work to make your content! Your followers who are working multiple minimum wage food service jobs will not be similarly sympathetic to that rant, nor should they be asked to be.)
In my experience, trying to talk yourself into not taking it personally while it still feels intensely personal only takes this rift between you and someone else and adds another rift, this one between you and yourself, to that already difficult situation. So I have it out. I’m going to get those feelings out of my body and into open air. I’m going to make sure I know that, if nothing else, I understand myself and have my own back.
And as a bonus, I get hard evidence that this situation can be shitty and uncomfortable and awful AND I can still be alive and breathing on the other side of all those feelings.
Acknowledge where the impact of this misunderstanding begins and ends
Sure, when I’m staring at the words on my screen, it feels like everything’s closing in around me and the whole world is against me. But if I set down my phone and walked outside, would that person’s access to me immediately end? Sometimes yes, but sometimes no! Sometimes you’re being misunderstood by someone who is friends with your friends or could affect your livelihood or whatever. It’s possible that there could be a real fallout from this misunderstanding. This step is not me convincing myself it doesn’t matter, but just taking stock of how it matters. Because there will be a place in my life, or in my relationships, or just within myself, that this misunderstanding cannot touch. And when I find that place, I’ll do my best to burrow into it like it’s a cozy arm chair in the corner of the safest room in the world. Invest time and attention into those places that are not being rocked, or even budged, by the jostling winds of other people’s opinions. Feel its solidity. It’ll put things in perspective.
Make a list of all the things you could do with the energy you want to spend trying to correct this misunderstanding
What other creative projects or hobbies or daily delights could I be engaging with if I wasn’t trying to defend myself here? This, again, is not to convince myself not to stand up for myself. It’s simply to help myself weigh the opportunity cost of that conversation, decide if its worth it, and at what point it would no longer be worth it. Conflict energy is expensive. Sometimes I’ll decide to spend it anyway, but knowing what I’m sacrificing helps me value my own energy, and ensures that I’ll notice when it’s time to walk away.
Then, respond.
Only now am I prepared to see what needs to happen in this conversation!! A lot of times, especially as it pertains to my comment section, the answer is either just leave it and go do something else, or let myself say something snarky and silly in return (Snarky silliness can be a very important healing remedy for retired golden girls. I might have been the turn the other cheek never break a rule mediator in my youth, now I get to have a personality).
But, in personal relationships, with clients, or in response to feedback I might not agree with but do know is important to hear, I can suss out what I actually need someone else to know in order for us both to keep moving forward, whatever moving forward looks like. This step can go a multitude of ways, but it’s always supported by me coming into it as someone who feels cared for and grounded in reality.
And, the more times I move through this process, the faster it goes! Or the more I’m prepared to level up to an even more delicate and complicated version of the being misunderstood video game (there’s always another one!).
Becoming a master at being disliked is not really the ambition I had in mind when I decided to start posting TikTok videos, but I resent the necessity for it a lot less than I used to. Over time, I’ve become more real to myself, even as the idea of me becomes more fractured in the collective’s mind. I’ve developed both compassion and ability to recognize bullshit in equal parts. I might not welcome the process, but I don’t hate who it’s turning me into.
And doing anything authentic will always require a willingness to be misunderstood. You have to care more about what you’re curious about than you do how you’re talked about. So whether it’s just within your family or among the citizens of the world wide web, I hope these steps can assist you in becoming who you’ve always been, more fully and freely. You’re allowed to exist, and you can handle people not getting it! Godspeed <3
P.S.
Three weeks until Week of Delight!! For three years now, Giselle Buchanan and I have hosted a weeklong virtual scavenger hunt to mark the beginning of summer. If you want more joy and presence in your summer, if you want to experience your life as a creative being, you should join. We kick off June 21st! All the info at the link below, would love to have you join us.
These steps were so helpful! Especially burrowing into an untouched place & making a list of where to spend the activated energy 👌 thanks for sharing this hard-earned wisdom!